• Varsha Panikar (@fromtheafterglow)

I am having one of those days

I am having one of those days where this feeling is so impenetrable that I can’t believe I am able to sit upright. It feels like the force of my traumatic past is colliding with a bleak future that promises nothing but the same amount of pain.

Yet, here I am, sitting at my laptop, writing. How is this possible? The truth is that I don’t know how it’s possible for me to be coping with this as well as I am. Over time, however, I’ve learnt that my brain tires itself out by trying to reason it’s way through this feeling and my thoughts quieten. I am thoroughly numb from it.

Perhaps, it is this numbness that lets us survive these feelings, or rather, the fluctuation between feeling overwhelmed and feeling nothing. Our brains constantly tries to make sense of what they don’t understand and this feeling is so complex that we may never fully understand it.

So here I am, stumbling through the path, the pages, the words, the cages. Crushed under ticking clocks, desperately walking, kicking rocks. Somewhere on that road, I found a word so the only thing left to do is to discover some more, so for now, I’ll just stay at home and die some more - a new normal.