A muse of tragedy - Part 1

“Maybe I am just another run of the mill sad indie girl,” she paused.

Everything was a blur of motion and sound. I kept my smile and the laugh I wanted to let out to myself. It was funny, but not the kind you should laugh at. It was that bleeding wound kind of humour that you laughed at out of embarrassment or to relieve tension. I was waiting for the sorrow. This was just a test. I would not waver. I would wait. I would listen.

She took the last two cigarettes from the pack and lit them for us. ‘The problem with everything is that…well, it’s everything. It’s life, it’s death, it’s joy, it’s sorrow. I went from inspiring a bunch of nobodies to pretty much controlling inspiration. From then on in, it was pretty much the standard crash and burn, too much, too soon scenario. But when it comes to muses there are no overdoes, or car crashes or murderous junkie boyfriend. There is just eternity and regret. No spectacular end for me”.

She stubbed out the cigarette, half-smoked. She looked at the empty packet of cigarettes. “Tragedy. I became the muse of tragedy. That was my punishment. Every sad faced clown, every overblown ‘everyone dies in the end’ play, every awful pop song about heartbreak. I’m the one behind all of that junk. That’s the real sorrow. That’s me.” Her eyes were flat as a deconstructed cardboard box. She turned away from me. ‘I bet you wish you’d left after the sex, don’t you?’

“Why would you say that? I like being here… with you.” I placed my hand on her shoulder. She shook it away. I did not try a second time. I could have continued, but I had either made my point or said the same thing she’d heard a million times before from a century or two of lovers. Her shoulders moved slightly. I could not read that movement, so I waited. I waited for ten minutes. She turned to face me. There was no smile, I didn’t want or expect one. The muse of tragedy would never smile. It was her eyes that mattered. They were alive and fresh as newly turned earth.

And upon that moment, undetected like a waft of flowers, unexpected like the softness of tranquility in that moment, unsuspected, she entered my heart un-surrendered - to clothe my soul in peace - whilst the world slowly comes to an end.

Excerpts from Bodies Of Desire, an anthology.

Beyond Dichotomy: Navigating the Nuances of Good and Bad

I used to believe there was a distinct segregation between two ‘worlds’ - one good, one bad. This dichotomy was applied to nearly everything around me, from events to people, and even my own decisions. At times, it felt like I was confined in a straitjacket, creating a constant sense of unease and uncertainty about my actions. As time passed, the rigid separation between these two worlds began to blur, bringing them curiously close together. It became evident that good and bad are not clear-cut polarities but rather nuanced aspects of our experiences. They are not opposites. We may not like one end of the scale, and so we call it bad, but this does not make bad an opposite polarity of good.

Now, I won't extend this approach to 'really bad things and events' because I can't. Yet, this state of equanimity or acceptance of the relative nature of good and bad once applied to some aspects of my life, internally and externally, has helped me over time. To allow you to gain a better understanding of the divide, I will try to describe it metaphorically.

The best way I can explain it is if I examine the separation of the two worlds to staring through a rain-spattered windowpane. One could look straight through the coating of rain droplets covering the glass pane, subconsciously registering them as an inconvenient obstacle that needed to be overcome, and thus, automatically and instinctively ignoring them. On the other hand, one could also focus directly on the rain droplets and visually register them in their own right while still having the ability to look through them to the other side.

At times, you may find yourself feeling shock waves of badness when you do something you were taught was wrong even if now you don't agree that it's bad. In these times, remember that you are a human with every right to be here, learning and exploring. To label yourself good or bad is to think too small. What you are is a decision-maker, and every moment provides you with the opportunity to move in the direction of evolution or in the direction of stagnation or degradation.

Sometimes our choices and actions lead us in different directions. At times, these choices take us in the opposite direction of the reality we want to create for ourselves. Instead of labeling ourselves as good or bad, it's essential to acknowledge the choices that lead us down a particular path. We can then let go, forgive ourselves, and prepare for the next opportunity to choose and act in ways that align with our best intentions.

Resist being blinded by the peaks and valleys of wins and losses in life, and be kinder to yourself and others. Choose improving yourself over killing yourself just to attain a ridiculous standard of perfection. You have strengths, and you have weaknesses. Sometimes you succeed, and sometimes you fail. Sometimes you’re right, and sometimes you’re wrong. It is just the way things are, so try to accept yourself and allow yourself to fully be who you are. In the end, only you know the difference. If you find yourself going into self-judgment, try to stop yourself as soon as you can and come back to the center. Do not undermine your ability to find your own moral center and to trust and be guided by your inner self.

Be aware! You will figure out the balance along the way. Know that you are not good or bad; you are simply you.

Tender

Excerpt from, The End Of The Line.

I feel tender, but not like a flower or a love story. Instead, a deep cut left weeping in the cold wind, like scabs that one picks until they leave scars. I wish I could tear out the hard lump in my throat like tissue.

Have you ever just wanted a free mind, one where you can simply exist and forget everything; not because you don't enjoy what you are doing, but because it will allow you to do anything you wanted? A mind free of over-thinking consequences or risks of actions? A truly free mind? It's something I wish I had.

I also wish I could heal correctly, but for now, I would like to curl up and just cry, tenderly.