When reality confuses you

The scene in my room is like a weird dream, and this reality is hurting my mind. I am standing and staring at my life in confusion. I guess it is like staring out of an open window. You know that the sky is meant to be blue and the clouds are meant to be white, but nothing is as it should be. This sky is an array of confusing colours, and the clouds do not look like clouds at all. I close and open my eyes again hoping, to see a semblance of reality, hoping it is all a dream, but no, the twisted morbid sky stays. I wish I could escape the vision in front of my eyes, but the sky will not listen.

Traumas are the same. Outside events impact your mind and the way you see the world. You revert back behind the window - scared, anxious, confused, weary and terrified. The world seems weird. You do not feel as confident enough as you’d like to be, to live it. Scared, because terror and fear have happened to you. Mind and world just spin all out of control.

The land I live on is not how it should be. The image beyond my window is what I do not understand or wish to see. White like these traumas that are behind me but still somehow linger within me. It still hurts to look at the world, my life, my past because all I see is a muddled sky with confusing colours, breaking my mind, trapping me, even after all this while.

How do you escape feeling this way? And do you blame yourself once again? I could blame myself or the world, either way, it hurts too much. Sometimes it feels like it all happened to someone else, like a weird distant dream. Maybe, it is just reality confusing me, or it is just a dream.

Transient Affair

First published in Love Portions, in the February 2020 issue of Rogue - The Zine by Ratio Auream Publishers under the publications One Point Six One Eight Imprint. Available on Amazon&Kindle.

Ice melting in my glass,

Beside a tray of smoked cigarettes

Where nothing but the ashes remain,

Quite like this emptiness,

Which refuses to go away,

But that is fine by me.

It is in moments like this,

Where I find myself wandering,

Wading the depths of this mind;

But by dwelling on it nothing avails,

Nothing ever;

So I shift my gaze onto the moon.

It is waving to my tear-soaked eyes

That mourns the night’s impending demise.

The wind, my only respite!

From my window, it comes through

With ecstasy and desire racing through.

In the world, where my heart has turned cold,

Your face shakes marrows of my bones.

Within the dark shadows,

Your beauty shines through.

So come, my love!

Let’s surrender to our deepest desires!

As the night composes symphonies

Of our lonely despairs,

Injecting a sense of euphoria,

Seeping into our soul’s phantasmagoria,

It feels like it might tune out every wrong

And ease my heart of stone;

Even if for just a moment,

Even if lasts a few songs.

So come,

Come and hold me close!

As we wander alone like lost children,

Searching for solace within affection.

Let throws of satisfaction relinquish this agony

That is forever tugging at the sanctity of my sanity.

Let’s dream of moonlight kissing,

The kind that still the echoes of our aching song,

And disappear into this nothingness together,

Stay entrapped in each other’s arms for now,

If not forever.

I know,

I know that these moments are brief,

That this is perhaps,

Merely an erotic coupling

For those who dared and dreamed,

And that is fine by me.

Such little time

To hope, to wish, to dream

Sometimes it goes on forever,

Sometimes, in a flash, it’s gone!

And that is fine by me.

Perhaps, it's better this way.

Some words I can never say,

Lest my heart melts away.

I sometimes forget who you are,

And you keep forgetting my name,

And that is fine by me.

I can feel the tears

Hanging from the window of your soul

As you quietly slip into the night,

Leaving behind dreams yet to unfold,

And though it rips my heart,

It is fine by me.

So, let’s dance behind these shadows

And return to the sunshine unscathed,

Until that thing that urged our passions and lunacy

Becomes nothing more than a memory.

Even though my heart does despair;

My sweet, my love

Let me look upon your face once more,

Take you one kiss at a time,

And hold you in my arms tonight,

For I know

That we might never see each other again;

And that too is fine by me.

By Varsha Panikar

From their series, “Bodies Of Desire”